Category: Uncategorized

• Love or Fear or Both

  7/30/25

  So I was assigned an article to read by my Rabbi (https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/love-the-lord/) from My Jewish Learning.

  (I love that site by the way, it is such a great resource on everything Judaism.)

  And it was an interesting read.

  First thing I had to do was look up the exact definition of ‘piety’ because I had to make sure I wasn’t conflating it with some Christian belief/understandings.

  They mention the verse that says “Love the Lord your Gd with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might.” which immediately sends my brain to the Bible verse that goes something like: “Love the Lord your Gd with all your heart, with all your mind, and all your soul and lean not on your own understanding and He will make your path straight”.

  It’s always interesting what’ll bring out my random Sunday School knowledge.

  The article mentioned that Rashi says to perform the commandments out of love.

  And I have to agree. If you are performing commandments out of fear, as soon as that fear fades, the drive to complete those commandments will fade as well. Or, if you get used to the fear, you don’t feel the need to complete the commandments as you learn to live with the fear and the consequences of not doing it. Or I think it can overwhelm you and leave you kind of paralyzed, so you, again, don’t complete the commandments.

  But love, oh serving Gd out of love makes it a joy to complete the commandments/tasks given to you. They aren’t a burden or as overwhelming when they are willingly and willfully taken on. It can get overwhelming learning the new commandments, and that can make you stop too, but it feels easier to return to the commandments and to try again when you are doing it out of love for Hashem than fear of Him.

  I also learned a new term- Gomel Hesed. It means one who bestows lovingkindness.

  And I think that describes Hashem really well.

  July 30, 2025

  conservative, conversion, convert, Fear, Hashem, judaism, Love, My Jewish Learning, my thoughts, third post

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• Living in a liminal space

  4/25/25 finished on 7/30/25

  I’m living in a weird space right now.

  I’m not Christian anymore. I don’t think that label has fit for a long time. But I’m not Jewish either – not yet. (Just kinda Jew-ish lol.)

  I’m stuck in this weird in-between land. It’s a little lonely, sometimes but I surprisingly made friends with someone else who converted several years ago. She is also a coworker, and she is very nice. She has already helped me out quite a bit, and changed my mind on some things that I didn’t think I would ever really change my mind about. We also had a Seder together this year on Pesach.

  It was really nice. We ended up using 3 different Haggadahs, including ‘The (unofficial) Harry Potter Haggadah’, the Chabad Haggadah, and an ArtScroll Haggadah. It was my first Seder, and was just the two of us. It was nice. We were able to have some great discussions without pressure to say a certain thing or filter ourselves.

  But again, not technically Jewish. Celebrated the holiday, said the prayers, participated the best I could, but does it really count?

  I’d like to think it does, but someone else might think not.

  (finished the rest of the below post in July)

  It’s an interesting place to be, this grey-space. There’s so much I have left to learn, so much to experience, and it’s difficult in ways, because so much of it is community-driven. Community is important.

  Community requires socialization. And I suck at socialization. The autism causes me difficulties there, that’s for sure.

  I’d like to keep building the community around myself, I just don’t know how or am uncomfortable doing so. Socializing was never my strong suit, see my entire life.

  But the little pieces of community I have found so far though, have been amazing. There’s the (former, now) coworker I mentioned before and there’s my good friend from college who are supportive (and also Jewish). And my family supports me, and so do my (admittedly few) friends.

  It’s just difficult-ish when everyone else has family they can go celebrate with, and I’m over here in a proverbial corner all by myself, like that meme with the dog and the room on fire saying, “This is fine”.

  Like it is fine, in a way. I have to start somewhere, but the starting somewhere by yourself is lonely. It’s too easy to stay in isolation, and Judaism was not meant to be practiced like that.

  I want to be part of the community. I want to make friends and have those connections, but the thought of putting myself out there is scary and anxiety-inducing. I’m not good in those kinds of situations, especially when it’ll require small-talk and questions that’ll probably be aimed at my conversion experiences so far.

  So I’ll keep living in this liminal space.

  I’ll keep trying to put myself out there, slowly, very slowly.

  I’ll keep working on building my davening habits, and remembering to light the Shabbat candles each week.

  I’ll keep learning what I can about Judaism.

  I’m not going back, that’s for certain. I’m going to keep trudging through this liminal space until I reach the other side, and complete my conversion. I want this more than I can really say, or well, type.

  Hashem is calling me to Him, towards my spiritual home. And I’m not going to ignore it or avoid it anymore.

  July 30, 2025

  conservative, conversion, convert, in between, judaism, liminal spaces, second post

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• Converting to Judaism

  4/19/2025

  I never thought that I’d end up where I am.

  I never thought I’d reach 18, 20, yet alone actually live long enough to turn 30.

  I never expected to be happy. I expected that severe depression and anxiety that plagued my childhood and teenage years to stay that way through adulthood.

  Luckily for me, I made it.

  I lived. I learned. I thrived.

  I questioned.

  Hashem knows I questioned everything.

  Sexuality.

  Gender.

  Religion.

  Who I am/was.

  What I like to do.

  What I want to do.

  What sort of job/career I want.

  Where I want to go to school.

  What medical procedures/tests/medicines/treatments to try next.

  And it kept coming back around to religion.

  It started with leaving my childhood church.

  I tried other churches. I really did but none of them fit.

  I would joke that it felt like I was going to get holy water on me and burst into flames. That I felt marked as ‘other’. That everyone could see I was different.

  But slowly, surely, everything kept circling back to Judaism.

  It took me years of prayer, and contemplation, and thinking, and wondering and praying some more.

  But I finally got to where Hashem wanted me.

  I got a job at a Jewish Yeshiva.

  I found a conversion program from Darshan Yeshiva.

  I applied.

  I got in.

  I started working with a wonderful Rabbi.

  I did all of that without telling my parents who I still live with.

  My rabbi helped me figure out how to tell my parents.

  I told them. I wrote them a letter on a Hanukkah card.

  My parents accepted it easily, (so so easily), and they just want me to be happy. I’m very lucky to have them.

  They told my siblings for me, and the rest of our family.

  Mom still worries that I’m joining a cult.

  It’d be funny if she wasn’t so worried about that.

  But I feel like I’m finally where I need to be, where Hashem wants me to be in life.

  I’m trusting that this is what He wants for me.

  My friends support me.

  My family supports me.

  My coworkers support me.

  I’m incredibly blessed.

  The whole point of this blog is to document and share my conversion journey.

  I know it won’t always be easy.

  I know there will be times I doubt where I’m headed.

  I know I’ll eventually face antisemitism.

  But I want this.

  Hashem knows I really want this.

  I want that connection to Hashem.

  I want to worship and pray to Him.

  I want to take on the mitzvahs in the Torah.

  I want to be part of a community again.

  I want a religious home again.

  I want to learn Hebrew, to be able to read it and say the prayers in Hebrew and English.

  Hashem’s leading me to it, and I am going to take the opportunities.

  It’s not always going to be pretty, or easy, but I’m kinda used to that. I can deal with it. With hard, and ugly, and difficulties and trying times.

  I want this more than just about anything, and Hashem help me, I’m going to make it happen.

  I’ve already taken the first steps.

  And I’ll keep taking the next steps, small steps, until I get to where I want and need to be.

  So join me on this journey.

  It’ll be interesting to see how I change. And I know I will change.

  But not all change is bad.

  Not all change has to be sudden.

  Most will probably be gradual, and slow, but that’s how you build new habits and change your life.

  Watch me change.

  April 19, 2025

  conservative, conversion, convert, first post, judaism

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